current location: next door
current mood: pleased
current song: gentle humming of the pc and fan
so, i've finally figured out the last bit about why i've been too blocked for forever regarding my writing even though the "push" has been so consistent for so long.
i've known for a few years that i need to begin by writing my bio to clear the air so-to-write, before my past dripped all over every sentence i penned. combine this need to confront my childhood with my fear of a repeat of losing it like i did after i took that autobiography class in 2000 and wrote those 20-or-so pages that knocked me on my ass (from the pent up pain) and i see stuck reason #1. i so love living in fear!!!! :P bah!!!
after reading "if you want to write" by brenda ueland i see that until i can really feel my feelings again, i can't write. she stresses that writing can only happen from our core (deep feelings) and not our head (where i've retreated to over the years). aha! stuck reason #2!!!
i've been able to see clearly that i felt a need for a safe "place" to write so i wouldn't be overwhelmed by grief or whatever feelings come up, but i've gotten so good at shutting down the dark emotions that i wasn't feeling much of anything at all. hard to write when i'm paralyzed from feeling anything, let alone the wretchedness the soul-searching will pull up.
al-anon is teaching me to accept my feelings, and allow myself to FEEL them instead of repressing them or denying they could be right. hopefully, THIS is the key to unlock this blockage. i KNOW i need to write, the universe has been knocking too loudly for too damn long for me not to get this clue! thankfully, al-anon is giving me the tools i need to unlock me from my fears and upside-down attitudes so i can start living like the rest of the world. oh yeah, and write dammit!!! LOL