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first ramblings

July 23rd, 2006 (03:41 am)
amused

current location: dog beach
current mood: amused
current song: distant, incessant barking

i love my astrology forecasts: universal truth IS universal truth!!!!!

Daily teen (by Astrology.com)
A new beginning is like a blank canvas -- you can fill it with any shape or color you can think of.

Daily Cosmic Calendar (iVillage.com, Astronet)
Take advantage of another pleasant day -- thanks to the cosmos holding off on its negative mode of expression. Water sports and activities by a seaside resort hold promise during Cancer Moon. This is amplified by a grand triangle in water signs while the Moon trines Jupiter in Scorpio (2:06AM PDT) and Uranus in Pisces (11:18AM PDT).

right now, i'm lounging in my rv at dog beach. i left the house right about 2 am, so that was right on, and after walking around for some time feeling the breezes and the ocean ambiance, i finally sat down to right this first entry....

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i've been reading "Revelations: Diaries of Women" edited by Mary Jane Moffat and Charlotte Painter, as well as "What should I do with my Life" by Po Bronson. both are individually amazing books, but by reading them in tandem, i'm feeling further, not so subtle, pushes from the universe (my higher power?) to write DAMMIT!!! you'd (or at least i do) think that after almost 10 years of this nudging, i would maybe put pen to paper.

oh, if only i'd either listen to that prompting and write, OR quit getting the urge, i'd feel a whole lot better. stupid me though, can't seem to find a way around her blocks. i realize my fears about writing are stopping me from trusting the universe: that 1.) i am supposed to write, and 2.) that i have something worth saying, even if only for my eyes alone. BUT i DON'T yet trust completely these things, even though i'm working on trusting my higher power to lead me in the direction i NEED to go instead of my thinking i have any clue where i'm headed. i'll write about how that's going in another post later.

i doubt/fear that i will ever go back to grad-school, but i often equate getting better and being happy with being at a university studying the things i love. so naturally, i'm focusing on how cool it would be to study creative writing and women's diaries with Ms. Moffat. if i could "get well enough" to live a more normal life, maybe i could do that. unfortunately for now, this is so NOT an option. besides, why do i think school is the answer? i don't need to study this stuff formally in a classroom as the only means of learning about women writers and exploring myself and my writing abilities.

who knows, other than my higher power, if i am even interested in being "tested" ever again. i do enjoy learning at my own pace, but also miss the camaraderie of fellow students and the intense, encapsulation of the tons of information i get from a lecture by a professor that may have spent his/her whole career collecting interesting tidbits of information that make the writer and her work come more vividly, vibrantly alive for me. i KNOW i can't get that in-depth level of understanding on my own in a short time, and most likely would miss most of the cool tidbits completely if left to my own devices.