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what do i want??

July 30th, 2006 (03:02 am)
hopeful
Tags: , ,

current location: in rv parked outside my condo
current mood: hopeful
current song: meowing of my sweet tigger cat

if only i knew the answer to that question, i'd be miles down the road of my recovery journey. unfortunately, for far too long i've been trying to live the life my mom gave up when she had me in high school (only just realized it in the last few months) that i have no clue who i am, what i want, or where i'd like to see myself in any part of the future, years, months or even tomorrow. SO..., i'm going to verbally vomit here on this topic as an attempt to get some clarity out of the dense fog of my thoughts:

i want to be beautiful again. this goal will entail continuing my attempt to learn to trust my higher power to not only guide me regarding my next indicated step toward serenity, but also to trust that my higher power will either actually keep me safe and/or give me the tools, courage and strength necessary to overcome any experience of real danger i may encounter, as opposed to my long-standing phobia of being tortured and murdered.

also, to become my inner hottie, i want to focus on my health which will include eating better, getting stronger through physical activity, and taking vitamins. luckily, all of these actions will contribute to the above feeling of safety as well since i will be better able to defend myself until i can run away from any real-life, physically-dangerous situation.

i want to sell my condo or at least move out of it (and rent it), then move into my rv so i can tour the country and find where i am next going to live.

i want to find a way to support myself so that i don't have to rely on ssdi or my mother and can keep the equity i've accumulated in my condo and not deplete it by covering living expenses or impulse purchases (so i guess that means finally learning to budget).

i want to continue exploring my inner/hidden/repressed talents and desires to discover my authentic self. i want to journal. i want to feel all my feelings and learn to readily identify them. i want to find an activity where i can release my decades of pent-up rage constructively and not let it seep out and poison my relationships with my closest friends (perhaps a martial arts class would cover many of the above wants??).

i want to work through my "shit" enough that i can successfully have an intimate relationship with a man where we can grow and evolve both as individuals and as part of a couple.

i want to garden. i want to have farm animals and horses. i want to learn to cook. i want to write creatively and study how my favorite authors entice me into their worlds. i'd love to teach.